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Stories of Young Cheddar, The Cedar; Whoopsy Daipsy

Stories of Young Cheddar, The Cedar

Title: Whoopsy Daipsy

Morning broke in the night and

For these four trees it meant


The moon had shone on their bark just right

Or if cloudy

It was that they had knocked their young canopies

Against their Tree neighbours of the Day just gone

The necessary number of times before dawn

So they may be sure to

Wake for their work on time

Should that dratting Moon not show


So the four saplings stirred with crunches and pops

To the dark dark dark

Cold cold cold

Vast vast vast

Home they called The Forest

And the wind’s recorder was

As tuneless and unpleasant as ever

Still calming and familiar

Bleak but

They were

Never The Less

Never. The. Less.

Is what they might be heard chanting

Picking up their spirits

As they trudged the tracks




They were a family of orphans

These four Steward Trees and

They were different from

The Other Trees of The Forest

Their neighbours of the Day just gone

“Par-boiled potatoes”

Shouts Cherry Sour

Naughty They


Habitually random in outburst

Like their sister Cherry Wild


These were two of the four

All of whom root for the rays

Standing still with the unconscious ones

The Other Trees of The Forest

Ours though

The Steward Trees of The Forest

This of course their sleep

The daytime

On this their ever so


Never ending



You know


You know

Some say

Of our four saplings


Steward Trees

Some say

Steward Trees are blessed

But others say cursed

Regardless – you know - these four had their work



Never the less

So now then

Under the lights of the sky

The Morning of the Night had broken up to them

And opened up to them anew


Morning Indeed

First Thing was the first thing to be done

Which was why it was called First Thing

So The Night Opened to Them

First Thing – to eat

For them – as always – the same

For months now

Jaffa Cakes

And they chatted as they were forever doing

“It’s a biscuit”

Insisted Cherry Sour to Their Sibling Cherry Wild

“Erm zzztttt it’s notttt – pyjamas –


Replied Cherry Wild to Cherry Sour

Who in confusion asked

“Erm…zzzttttt – what’s pyjamas?”

Here Cherry Sour mimicking Cherry Wild’s zzzzzttt tick

Naughty Naughty Cherry Sour

And Chestnut Sweet fielded the question

The twins’ sister


It’s what the humans wear to bed”

And they’d now lost the thread

Forgetting entirely what they were arguing about until

Cheddar Chimed in

You know I think they must be biscuits

I mean – they are obviously a cake because –

Spongey – err you twit

But I think anything we eat is a biscuit

We say it for something that is

Discrete yet identical


Reproducible identical

But things that we need like


Is a biscuit

To me at least

Easy Easy

The Other Trees

Oh Awkward


Reproducible-Identical yes jester but

……we don’t eat the Other Trees now do we?

Do we?

And Chestnut Sweet fields

“You know you really do talk too much don’t you”


And with that a branch fell from above

The Forest a-la-la

Hitting and knocking Cheddar down

Floored and Seasoned

The Forest wields Karma




Jaffa Cakes eaten


It was then that Mr Badger Merlin Delivered

And the stars were there to appreciate the moment

Though the light not needed by the Steward Trees since

These our four saplings of The Steward Trees

They –

As with all The Steward Trees

They saw the Delivery

Or see completely

All without an eye between them

You see


All while going about their duties

Impressive indeed

What is going on here?

No eyes



So Mr Badger Merlin had come up

From out of his badger set

To Deliver

But also to cajole cajole this


Troupe of youths

And he followed them everywhere so he did

Unseen until – until

Until it was time to Deliver

So He

He did

This so

All he’d known


Since Mr Badger Merlin had been assigned to them He long ago resigned to the FUTILITY of it all

No flotilla for help

No fruit for soothe

Just coke to drink

He knew there was no stopping IT


He gnawed the roots and ushered the Ants and

He took the Duties

He understood the Duties and

He passed them on as he was shown to do

And he followed them everywhere so he did

Unseen until – until

Until it was time to Deliver their Duties

As ever

Every Dusk

Shortly after

First Thing

So I suppose Mr Badger Merlin was

Second Thing – though no one said it of course

He, Mr Badger Merlin

A geriatric jack-in-a-box on Manna

Like the Israelites of Antiquity

Now some Coke import

Cans upon cans of the stuff rattled around him

Upon emergence from his earthy badgery set


So cajole cajole he did

As he delivered that night’s

The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song that

Cherry Sour so detested

Not the Duties but the means of receiving them

“Voila there you go have a good one – off you pop – allez allez – giddy up”

Said He slurping coke

Grey and black and disgruntled and knowing – Mr Badger Merlin

Gave swipe to Cherry Sour – a custom of the parade like

Coconut Custard Creams with afternoon Tea at Grannies



He would cut Them

Our Cherry Sour

He would not fail to lacerate

The poor thing

Cherry Sour as he Delivered the Duties

The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song that

Cherry Sour so detested

This dark daily occurrence

A part of Work


But evermore

For Cherry Sour this treatment

Had been ruminating a

Hating of

Mr Badger Merlin

See cuts each time for as long as

Can be remembered

Beyond then even


Time to them was abstract

Like how a life-long prisoner can play with it



No wonder the pour little thing detested all this

Cheddar ever the magician of justice

Chimed his glockenspiel

To sound another attempt at tackling

The Thing

A squabble ensued between the four

Led by the elder

The details of which are impossible to gather

Since when these four bicker


Words cease

Our Young Cedar, Cheddar

Intelligibly rounds off the axe swinging with:

“Right that’s settled – Cherry Sour I hear you honey but

‘Parently you peewees wont let me – sooooo –

maybe just take it and suck it up cus

there isn’t any changing that Mr Badger Merlin

An am kinda getting fed up of hearing about it

You have your Rum & Raisin don’t you?!”

Cherry Sour nodded

And so

It was agreed Cherry Sour would continue to take

The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song

Their Instructions for Work

For that is how it had always been and

Cherry Sour was the only one eating

Or rather


The eating of the Rum & Raisin Dark Chocolate

They so desperately shouldered

You see


So – for that reason alone

And for being a stubborn sticky-bun

They quick-sanded the situ to status quo

You see

And so

But hang on there you birdy-bee

Why did


Why did

Why do

They not let Cheddar get the letter?

This, I do wonder






Says Chestnut Sweet

“The air is fresh and I am ready to do this

Are you? Another day

Meetings and First Thing

and Second Things all done now yeah?”

Stretching rhetorically and swaying to the sound of the wind

The recorder

The wind

A tuneless and

An unpleasant sound

It has been mentioned

But nevertheless


They left for their work

Duties in hand

A purposeful wander through

The Forest

With no progress on the niggles really though



So they moved on

Creeping along the rows

Of stiff trees not blessed

Or was it cursed like them

For they

These four & others

There were others of course

Also unseen as these four are

And their Duties?

All for the humans of The Forest

Who lived in the spaces where a few too many trees had fallen

In houses of brick and thatch




May we please

Now allow

A moment for

Chestnut Sweet

As Our Four Saplings walk

She – Chestnut Sweet is just that

Certainly good or of the light but certainly

A little lemon meringue pie curt incisive sometimes

And what else?


She enjoys a smattering of yoga after

First Thing and after

Second Thing

So to speak


Oh she’s wise but not quite like Cheddar


They – Chestnut Sweet

The next in line behind him

The Eldest

The Elder

Our Young Cedar


The Second being Chestnut Sweet

And to keep them so – Young Cedar

Gives the reigns to Chestnut Sweet like

You lead

I am leader



So for these our young working saplings

Our orphans

By the power of some

Force of The Forest

How distinct

Indeed distinct indeed

And indeed here is another

Distinct matter

At some point since waking up

To their Work

For the first time

They must have decided between them

“We are nevertheless indeed” or a case of

Telling themselves so

Given how much they did so say it

For they were special and had this WORK

To do



However – if we may

Let’s turn back briefly to the oddity of our

Young Cedar




Cheddar was the one they looked to

Always he remained though

Totally and utterly

Oblivious to it


Shouts Cherry Sour



So it seems at least

But there’s so much more beyond

The itchy bark faces that make up




It wasn’t obvious to Cheddar why or

Why he was the only one to have

A nickname since

Mr Badger Merlin, Young Cedar, Chestnut Sweet

Cherry Wild and Cherry Sour

Were their names as given and

Known as such from when they

Woke up to their Work for the first time


Given by The Mother of The Forest


All recorded

All recorded as the

Wind’s flute sounds tuneless and unpleasant

As you’ve heard



One moment please

Before my introductions cease

This is important

It should be said too that

In a manner semi-unknowing

These four

Or rather three of the four were shook

Each Morning of the night

Not just by their evening rituals

Or the silver flow of the moon

As mentioned



It was this body



Local Colony of the Mother’s Hips

So they say

So they call it


They – this body



mezmeration of littlies

Named to them by

Mr Badger Merlin


For our young Steward Trees

Are blind to the spectacle

Or so it seems


A monstrous illumination

The Forest finds tentacles

Trains of humming sun run all over


Part of The Legion of the Ants of The Forest

And the job really did seemed very vital

Based on the display of light alone


Aside from the

Dawn-time rituals of our four saplings

Or the

Silver flow of the moon

Aside from these wee things

As mentioned

There was also

As I say

This tremendous display of photons

vanishing before Cheddar could ever

rumble alive


First Thing



As mentioned

It would seem to me that these Ants are

Filling up the cup of just

Three of our four saplings

Not Cheddar

Is it that he’s the eldest?

The Elder?


Nearly there


The truth was

There were few who really knew

What IT meant

Mr Badger Merlin being one but when asked

He would always say the same –

“I do not have the words – it’s not mine to tell”

It was certain that nobody knew what could be done

“It has just always been so


Chewed Cherry Wild – in a moment of


Context being that of silence

And the absurd

And the gnawing on her right branch

Oh she did have a tendency to squeak a bit

With excitement

And like her twin

Cherry Wild would say some of the most

Distinctly ripe and random things like


One word she would say a lot and


There see she just said it

No insanity here

I’m sure of it but

Funny how that can happen sometimes

“Pelicans is a funny word

Also Cherry Wild

You seem to be making that

Zzzzzttttt sound more and more

What does it mean?

Asks Cheddar

“It’s just a habit ok – leave me alone”

Came back Cherry Wild to defend


We digress – so yes

These Ants would pour in grains of orange pollen

Carried by

Chain on chain on chain of each

And each



Shuffling – in perfect harmony

Not A Bicker

Not a Biscuit

And they would carry all this bright glowing pollen

Until the Steward Trees were brimming

And the sight was really quite


It has been mentioned

And so a remark would be made


The Forest had paper for itself or


The Forest could remark it would but

So be it that – there is not a Thing

To have eyes to appreciate it

Such are the depths of The Forest



An Animal of The Forest

So Blessed

Or so cursed to aide the Steward Trees in their Duties

And one such beast would too need to be awake

Before their time


Perhaps Indeed

Should they wish to see it

Perhaps they might not

Such is this dark dark dark

Cold cold cold

Vast vast vast

Home they call The Forest


You can now forget any understanding of this

Phenomenal Phenomenon

All that matters is that this

Bright snaking glow of ants in service is


A performance


A performance of The Forest

For some

For all of the bewildering wilderness of

The Forest


And one certainty is that



Keeps Mr Badger Merlin

Forever grumpy

All swipey and hurty

And at this moment

Cheddar seemed still stuck on the subject of

Mr Badger Merlin

“He’s grumpy but –

He has his pop

That cocoa stuff so

Lucky him

All I get is Jaffa Cakes

Be nice wouldn’t it – have that or

Cheddar’s glockenspiel chimes as an alarm this time

Over come

“Oh drat - it’s the 6th of the Month

Cherries and Chestnut

Oh peewees and ice-cream

We’ve our appointment with Javid The Dentist

And I so nearly forgot

Thank you whoever whispered that reminder”


And Chestnut Sweet’s xylophone went off

“Oh good one Cheddar

We haven’t even got close to the start of our list yet

Where does it take us?

Oh excellent

Detours galore”

And Cherry Sour’s voice is heard

I am not going without my R&R dark choco

I’ll curse you

I’ll curse you please I don’t want to have to curse you

Let’s go”

And so they marched on in a whizz of the whimsical

Cheddar gone



His mistake

Pace to set

And now they’re at Javid The Dentist’s

A floating boating thing of

Mainly felled Trees

He is always sure to share with visitors

Particularly Steward Trees

That his home is not made from Steward Trees

Or otherwise that would be High Treason of The Forest

By the power of the laws laid down by The Forest itself

For the Forest knows that Man cannot be trusted

For Man is CIVIL and The Forest


As a cloak for EVIL

And as it happens

Chestnut Sweet

Interrupted their pleasantries with a comment

As welcome as pastries to Javid The Dentist

“Ever noticed how civil and evil both have

the Roman Numeral for 6 in them?

Like the Devil – oh the Devil too you see!”

And Cherry Sour added

“Duh! Humans eat what they have already eaten

And they never stick to the rules they make

I’ve seen them molest their young

Animals are far better behaved

Are they not?”

Javid hated pastries

“Did somebody mention pastries?”

Hating even the thought of the word

That nobody had said

The floating boating thing and all within looked

Lost and a little scared since

Javid The Dentist was known to have

An almighty temper

And he clearly wanted to end that line of chat

Thankfully the dark flash in his eyes passed



“So Cherry Sour – shall we move through my darling?”

Said the Croc wearing Crocodile

He claims to have invented them you know

Even showed off his royalties cheques last month

“And there we are”

Said the rubbery beast upon their return

With Cherry Sour meekly managing

Their between branches

Mound of Rum and Raisin Dark Chocolate

To last the month

And you’re sure you still don’t want anything

from us Javid?”

Chestnut Sweet asked

The slippery mossy monster just gave a cheeky grin

Pupils wide-black like a matt paint wall

“No no – I’ve got everything I need”




It was customary then for our young Steward Trees

To humour Javid The Dentist

While he felt the need to impress upon them

Whatever it was he had seen on Television

Javid The Dentist LOVED the television

I’ve just be watching Chicken Shop Date

Have you seen it?”


“Oh its awfully intriguing

This Fox, Amelia Demouldenburg

An actual Fox

Oh you know how they have shops

That serves chicken to chickens now



This Fox goes in there

While they are eating and interviews them

I think it’s like a pretend date

With the famous chickens

And she just sits there taking the piss out of them

And the really intriguing thing is

Aside from her managing not to gobble them all up

The really intriguing thing is that these Chickens

They seems to find it funny too

I don’t understand it”

Chestnut Sweet as allocated responder says

I think everybody is just trying to get on

Mr Javid”

And so they left

Job done and on to their Work

And as our crew of young Steward Trees walked

The paths of that vast needled place

Crunching along

The Funnels

By branch and trunk

Carved by feet and roots overtime

And above

Arched all homely


Cousins interwoven

The Forest their home

With the wind’s recorder

Unpleasant and tuneless

Ever whistling


Considering the delay of the day

They’re moving slow for them

Yet still some pace it was or is all crispy-silent

Yet for any nearby watching eyes to see

They would have to be afforded the absence of

The Forest’s trickery

Magic atop Magic or

Magic to disarm


Cheddar was talking and Chestnut Sweet had the list

Oh how they would squabble

“It’s called a conical crown I’m sure - You see”

Said Cheddar

“No it's concave – you gazebo grebo”

Cherry Sour interjecting

With their habit of saying the nonsensical

And Young Cedar responded Chameleonically

With a


To make the little Cherry Sour feel better about their

Verbal misfortune

But also for these four found

Human words to be awfully funny things

All while Cherry Wild hop-skipped to keep up as per but

Oh so sweet is this one our

Cherry Wild

Who blossoms a shocking pink in spring

But this was not why she was Cheddar’s favourite

Though he’s not the sort to say such a thing

It was simply all the cute phrases she’d come out with

And I suppose it was how she did oh so adore her older brother


Cherry Wild

Certainly feminine

While Cherry Sour le Sœur

Was a decidedly Nonbinary Steward Tree

Who says

“no gender for me thank you”

They though

Where Cherry Wild is sweet

Cherry Sour is a little polluter


Kept topped up of The NEG

And smaller than Cherry Wild

More common is the Cherry Sour Tree too

But Our little one here though

Rare and unique

If a little bitter

The best worker of the four by far

It should be said

Cherry Sour was rapid

Also a rabid jester

Ever adoring and devouring

And simply cannot go without

The smooth sweet taste of rum and raisin dark chocolate

This the VICE of Cherry Sour

Where Mr Badger Merlin has his Coke

Before long

Having crept through the rows

Of still trees not blessed

Or was it cursed as them

They reached their first village of the night

For they

These Unseen Steward Trees

Had a duty to the Humans of

The Forest

Who lived in the spaces where

A few too many trees had fallen

In houses of brick and thatch

There were many small jobs for them to do like

The collecting of odd socks

And the testing of portable appliances

Yes – the Steward Trees were undercover PAT

But these are peripheral to the main

They were Karma Police

And their list

Like Father Christmas’s I suppose

And so they would go about making life difficult

For all those humans deserving of it

So it’s our Steward Trees that are the entities that

Might cause important things to get lost

Or they might set traps like

Blocking drains or turning the toaster to full heat


Burnt toast

Fire alarm

You understand

And Cheddar could not help but grumble

At all the misfortune they spread

While Cherry Sour revelled in it


Our deities have paused for a break from

Their Duties

As you know

Season depending

Their break sits somewhere between 2 and 3 in this the AM

As you may already be aware

Steward Trees receive their tic-tac

A drop by the sparrows

A nibble of something more to eat

And any updates or late additions to

The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song

And on these breaks

As you may have heard

They tended to play

Tic Tac Toe

Ever the creatures of habit

Naughts and Crosses

And as always

It was at this time that

Cherry Sour would of course be allowed to

Eat their rum and raisin chocolate

All dark

Young Cedar chimed in

“You know in a forest miles away –

The other side of you know – the End of this one”

Cherry Sour interjected

“There is no end to The Forest Ched – it’s every lasting...”

They always did object this way when there was mention of

“The End”

Chestnut Sweet added without alarm

“It’s also known as Zero Sum Game, you know”

Young Cedar continued the thread

“I’ve forgotten where I was going with that

But I’ve just realised how we say “you know” a lot

Don’t you think?

It’s funny how these habits get into us isn’t it?”

And the other three trees of this little family

Rooted as always for their tic tac and tic tac toe


Enjoyed a moment of clearing


“He really was a kettle wasn’t he

Had he figured it out?

They thought collectively

And Cherry Wild and Cherry Sour

The twins

Seemed to say both at once

Which was rare for them because they were so different

But they said in unison

“Story time story time story time”

This had not been seen before

Them speaking in tandem

Though it should be known

This request was often made of Young Cedar

But this time

In this moment

Young Cedar seemed to become the forest itself

Perhaps owing to that jinx

He said:

Firstly – Let It Be Known – That I See

The End of The Forest

Secondly Let It Be Known –

There Are Other Forests

(One is spelt with two Rs for example)

Thirdly – Here – Have My Story – Since You Asked So – Timely:

Dear Trees of The Forest

I know your business has seemed scary

for the few true and committed to the

Standards of the Stewards

but know the Log-in of the Heavens is thus:

The Barista

Takes the nature’s coffee

of another Planet


The Barista

Takes the nature’s water

Of another planet seemingly

The Barista

Takes the Methods known of that other


To make the coffee but

The Barista

Is made to work too hard

& is also to juggle these three alien objects &

The coffee goes cold

So, The Barista must

Warm up the coffee and

The Customer suggests

Their microwave

The Barista

Obliges but is cleverer

He knows the craic

He says

“Sorry certainly - certealy Sir

Whatever teatment you think

We are one tea.m

Good job coffee requires no warrantea hey”

This Barista

was cleverer as I say and he

poured much coffee in to the pot

to be reheated in the microwave

The Barista

He left it and asked “how long?” 2mins?

Continuing his juggling

He knew the machine better than him

The Pot

Boils over in there

And he’s quick to open it up to a mess saying

“Oh dear your coffee is ruined”

The Barista

Disappointed perhaps embarrassed says

“It’ll take some time to re-start now

can I interest you in anything else – quicker perhaps?”

To The Barista

Standing by a pot of tea

The Customer said

“Oh fine I’ll have tea from that there pot”

And to the Customer

The Barista gave tea for them to leave

And I hear the trees ask – what was the point of all this?

Well, to the audience of this – Whoops a Daisy – I say:

The Marvel here is The Barista’s Cunning

Too little coffee in the pot and

It just boils down

Not over

And The Barista gives the Customer what The Barista knows the Customer should not be having –

The moment gone – Coffee already ruined

You see it was not meant to be but here’s the key:

Sometimes too much of something can be

a good thing – if it brings a reckoning like – “you know what sod it I’ll have a tea please”

Better for the experience

And anyway

We all know coffee is good for productivity




The camp

In shock

Saying nothing

They packed up and got on their way

Guilt rang through the others

Except Cheddar

Who was still buzzing at the energy he had channelled

And they were off again

And in a moment

Excitement overcame them all

Upon the words of Chestnut Sweet

Looking at

The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song

“Guys – we’ve been given The Factory”

And upon hearing IT

Cherry Sour

Whizzed off with the others on catch up

For there was just one factory in The Forest

Everything else the Humans made themselves

In their little villages

Subsistence living

Cocoa products being the exception

Like the Rum and Raisin Dark Chocolate that

Cherry Sour could not go without

Or the Coke cans that

Followed Mr Badger Merlin around

And before long they were there

And before long their Duties were complete

And irrelevant but

Safe to say Cheddar and Chestnut Sweet had

Seen enough

It was children making the products

And they did not look happy

Not only that but the nearby river was

Toxic with waste

Not just crappy

And there they saw it

The origins of The Legion of the Ants of The Forest

And there they knew it

These Ants were up to no good

Chestnut realised

There’s something else Ched

Every Dusk

I am afraid to say

We three wake a little before you


Those ants wake us

They have us trapped

You see

You see

A wooden stern Cheddar shook himself

Leaves everywhere

“Cherry Sour

I cannot ever take you back to see Javid The Dentist

That place is evil

That stuff is vile

Where do they even get it from?

I’ve never seen cocoa in The Forest

Have you?

Or Crocodiles for that matter

And I don’t need it

And neither do the other two

And have you ever seen a wild crocodile?”

Cherry Sour

In a moment of anger

Blossomed upon command

And then shed themselves entirely

Showering the others in petals


“That is not fair

This is not happening

It’s not fair

Cherry Wild gets to do that zzzztttttt thing

The whole time and I don’t get to keep mine?

And Chestnut Sweet is a control freak

Are you going to stop them from

Micromanaging everything?

We all have our “thing” Cheddar

And as soon as it was said

Cherry Sour realised they had erred

“I don’t need anything

I just get on with it

Jaffa Cakes and Tic Tacs and

Never the less”

Insisted Cheddar

That’s me

And Cherry Sour exploded again

Letting something slip

“The Ants come for all of us because….


We’ve been keeping it from you...

Though not as much


Chestnut Sweet rallied to appease

“We have a problem Cheddar

You know now so”

Cherry Wild

Who had been spinning on the spot for sometime now

With all the stress

All she could muster was a

“What we do den?”

And they all stood scratching their bark

Each others even

Right until the chick of a plan hatched in

Cheddars head

And as dawn broke and they settled to root

For the coming day

Ched’s plan became a hen

Or rather

A cockerel ready to crow

Set to go before the mass of ants emerge afester

They knocked their young canopies

Against all the unconscious Tree neighbours


And hoped

And prayed




The guys flew straight for The Factory

Against every flowering forestry feeling within them


They did note the lack of falling branches

The Mother of The Forest was with them



Total destruction

Mainly from Cherry Sour

Who may have eaten

All the Rum and Raisin of The Factory

That’s ALL

And in fact found the source of the Cocoa

They vomited everywhere upon

Discovering IT

Total Destruction

Oh my boy is some powerful tree and

Took out all the days and days of swiping from Mr Badger Merlin

And all the Lock and Key Don’t See visits to

Javid The Dentist

A crocodile

You know

An alien

And then

And then

They woke to another day of Duties

By The Parchment of Duties of Eve’ Song

Delivered now by

A delightful Crow called Karl

Who was averse to hugs but no harm at all

And the wind’s recorder

It became

A tuneful pleasant

That calmed as addictions were kicked

The Mothership of Cocao Productions

Assuredly chased from

The Forest

The End of which was found

And so too

The Duties of The Steward Trees became ever more wholesome.

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